Have you ever just been sitting alone in your room when reality just kinda stabs you in all the right places? It makes you think, doesn't it?"Is this real? Is this actually happening in my life?" I ask myself. I know, though, that of course this is really happening. I'm not dreaming, and I don't need a good pinching to figure that out. Sometimes I feel like if I just went back home for a weekend, I'd still see her sitting in her old, comfy recliner watching something on the food network channel, maybe making something with all of her jewelry supplies. Its during that thought that I remember watching her take her last breath... And it feels almost like that was a really bad nightmare and life just continued after I woke up. I realize, however that this isn't the case, unfortunately, and that no matter how much I wish it was, she won't be there waiting for me at home. Waiting to meet my fiance, and to tell me how I'm so young and we should wait a while. The reality of it, is that no matter what we will have to wait, because something will be in the way like funding, or locations being booked on the day we needed them to be not booked. Though, as a mom, she'd give the same speeches anyway. After all, it would be her job.
No, the reality is harsh, and sometimes, just thinking about the reality of life as it stands makes me cringe, have goosebumps or just flat out more depressed than I want to be. I feel like I'm the luckiest woman, though. I have an amazing fiance who supports me and loves me unconditionally, and his family who seems to do the same. I'm lucky to be where I am today. Honestly, I feel had I not come here, I wouldn't be alive today, so for that I'm thankful. We're not at Thanksgiving quite yet, but I'll keep this in mind when telling everything I'm thankful for this year. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my tummy, and while sometimes money is tight, and things are hard around here, we always make it through. We wouldn't had we not been so lucky these last couple of months.
I'm truly greatful to my mom for having raised me as such, and while I don't ever admit it, a smart and healthy girl. I'd not be here without her. She guides me every day, I believe that.
People say that... When you lose someone you love life is never the same. They're partially right. The part of your life that they were in will never be the same. Not ever. But all of the other parts of life you create with your partner, your friends and other family, your kids and pets... Those parts. They will be just as grand as if you'd had your lost one with you. Because your lost loved one is always with you in your heart, and that is what makes it truly and honestly... Grand.
